Daughter Deanna’s Tribute and Lessons Learned From Her Mother Deanna
I was named after my mother Deanna. My step-father, Jim, asked me to speak at my mother’s funeral. Where is she? I have complete confidence and comfort knowing that my mother is in heaven with her loved ones. We believe that all are saved by Christ but exalted by our deeds and faithfulness. After watching my mother for a lifetime, I have confidence that she will receive exaltation. I aspire to live the type of life she lived so that I can join her. My mother LOVED that I quilted. She praised anything I would make as a child and then as an adult. I know when I opened my brick and mortar Stitches Quilting store after I was divorced, that she was very proud of me. When I remarried and moved to Utah, they moved with me. She also watch me take my inventory from my brick & mortar store to become an online store. I can remember the look in her eyes as I then became an online presence. She was always so proud of me.
Purpose of Suffering
Suffering….. Why do some people suffer so much? We all suffer…. Our suffering is often just simply a state of mind that can completely fill up an empty space and is relative to each one of us. I remember when I had my second son that had special needs. I wondered why him….? Why should he have to suffer….? But then I remember that even Christ suffered during his sojourn in life and who was I to think that my child would be even more special than God’s literal son and be exempt from suffering,…. Suffering is absolutely an aspect of our lives and is part of God’s plan for us. After watching my mother suffer, I learned that there is happiness during suffering…. and peace during suffering. As I compiled the photos for a slide show presentation at her memorial – I was impressed with how happy she looked in all the photos. She was a very happy woman with peace of mind. I believe that peace came from the way she lived, how she treated others, her special relationship, love and belief in her Heavenly Father.
I could do Hard Things
There are many lessons that I learned from my mother. I learned that I could do hard things. It was difficult to see my mother fade away and to acknowledge the determined process of the disease. It was also difficult for me to tend to her daily needs of feeding either by mouth or through her feeding tube, pottying her, dressing her, moving her, giving her her medications through the feeding tube. I never in my short lifetime ever imagined that that would be a challenge for me. I consider myself to be a very compassionate, tough individual. But it took years before I would even acknowledge her disease, let alone participate in her daily care. But as I said earlier, I learned to do hard things…. And these things were beautiful things to do for my mother. It was a privilege to care for her and participate. I am very grateful for that opportunity in my life and wonder what other challenges I will face and learn to overcome…. Although I now have this experience and confidence, I arm myself in knowing that I can do hard things.
A truly deep Forgiveness
Forgiveness is another lesson I learned from my mother. She did not hold grudges or withhold love for any reason. She loved everyone unconditionally in our family and she forgave those that had done offensive things to her. This I watched all my life….. and then experienced first hand. I did something as an adult that truly offend her. I thought I was doing the right thing. But it wasn’t. I later apologized to her and her response was “Oh Deanna, I forgave you before you did it.” How sweet it was to hear those words of kindness and forgiveness. I have also come to believe that forgiveness is easier to impart and is a reflection of a person’s spirituality and maturity. As I have needed to dig deep in my soul to forgive others as I have been so graciously forgiven myself, I focus and strengthen my personal spirituality to make that process easier.
Not “talking ugly” about People
Not “talking ugly” about people….. Especially x-husbands. What a beautiful and gracious example she was to me. I don’t remember her talking ugly about my biological father…. But I do remember hurting and crying as my grandfather talked ugly about my mother. I remember missing my father and my mother comforting me as I felt alone without her criticizing him. When kids grow up they learn the truth of who people are – often they don’t need to be told anything at all…. But feel it. And, if people can change, then it is through kindness that they are afforded the opportunity of change through the eyes of a child. Anyone can find faults in another; that is the easy part to do. I learned that the special relationship between child and parent is a sacred thing and something to be deeply respected. I now follow this example as I support my children in their relationship with their father.
Choosing the Right
Choosing the right…. My mother taught me to choose the right by her example. I watched her be a faithful Christian and Latter-Day Saint and do what she believed; not just “talk the talk”. When I was young, she allowed me to make my own choices and then allow my conscience to play its part without discipline or guilt from her. Some of those choices were as simple as keeping the Sabbath Day holy as a child to much larger ones along the way. I loved to go grocery shopping with my mom as a child because she took my advice on what we should eat and buy. It made me feel important. Another time I felt that feeling was when we would rearrange the furniture in the house…. She would seek me out to do it with her, ask my opinion, and then move furniture as I recommended.
Not abandoning your children or family
Not abandoning your children or family…. I watched my mother be hurt by personal family member choices, but never turning her back on them. She was always there to bail people out time and time again. She was there in legal battles. She was there when children ran away. She was there whether someone smoked or drank…. She was there for them and loved them unconditionally.
Having compassion for everyone
Taking care of, and having compassion for, the mentally ill….. I watched my mother and step-father very vigorously take care of my little brother, Michael David, who suffered from schizophrenia/bi-polar disorder. The sweet baby doll. They so admirably and compassionately and patiently cared for him. They acknowledged his illness with such a dignified fashion and so lovingly cared for him. He would have been homeless…. But not for them. There were months when Michael wouldn’t leave the house….. Michael eventually committed suicide as a result of being taken off his medication “cold turkey” by a new psychiatrist. It was a great sadness for my mother that she held deep in her heart and I know that she rejoices to be with him now. I am happy that they are together again and graciously share her with him now in my mind as she has mortally left us. The Cream quilt below, I quickly stitched together for my mom & step-dad to comfort them after the death of my brother as a Christmas gift.
I was to be a hard worker
My mother was a hard worker and taught me to apply myself 300%. I remember a bitter lesson I learned when I was in charge of an activity and she did not let me get by with just doing the minimum job and made me do the work to make it right and good. I remember the feeling of success that I had after that event. I am grateful for the confidence that she bred within me. She worked hard as a teacher and applied herself in her classrooms and to her students 300%. I was so proud of her and loved to go to school with her and help her set up her classrooms and skip school sometimes to help her teach.
Service
Service…. I watched many people serve my mom. I watched my step-father devote his entire being to her. This service was long term for a chronic condition. It is a different kind of service. I watched devoted friends come long distances to help and support us and serve her. I watched their church Relief Society devote endless hours and meals to help them. They did the laundry and read to her. Their ward young men brought in the sacrament and the Elders administered blessings to her for strength. But I have to mention the family that came and loved her and put so much aside to care for her. Her sisters…. they loved her so much. Her daughters and step children. Each individual contributed so uniquely. But some of the most phenomenal devotion that I witnessed came from her grandchildren. I watched as I saw her tattooed and shaved-head grandson, Michael Jacob, live with them and care for her, feed her, potty her, give her medications, move her, patiently did ABC’s with her to understand what she needed. He also provided such sweet companionship to “Pappy(Jim)” on a daily basis. I also watched Vennessa arrive by bus from Pennsylvania for weeks on end devoting all of her energy to her. Vennessa so lovingly cared for all her needs and had a special adeptness for understanding her. Phenomenal devotion and love was extended. Michael & Vennessa forever have to feel good about themselves for what they did for her. She also so sweetly helped “Pappy” and supported him.
I watched my own children…. Luke, at age eight, was so incredible with her…. He’d potty her, feed her and gave her her medication. He’d gently tell her that if she didn’t stop crying he would leave. He would sit down with her ABC communication chart that he’d watch us use and rattle off ABC’s for her. She would beam and be so grateful. They had such a special relationship of love and connection. She would beam with so much energy when he walked in the room. Jacob, at age two, loved his severely disabled Grandma so much. It would be the only way he knew her. He would ride on her moving devise with her whenever we would move her body. He’d wipe the droll off her mouth, put band aids on her toe and slip pieces of chocolate in her mouth from his chocolate bar. He’d do flips on the bed and entertain her. He’d hand her the Nintendo controller so they could “play” together. Then he just provided pure entertainment as we would watch him drink from the dog bowl. How the grandchildren brightened her life. She loved her visits with Nicholas too… he would come and play with her birds and get them out for her so they could give her kisses. He would tell her all about his life and what he was involved in and read to her. Her grandchildren gave her so much life, encouragement and enthusiasm to live.
Unconditional Love
Love…. I have so beautifully had an intense life experience of having my mother and step-father be so intimately involved in my life. I have witnessed a love and beautiful relationship that many do not even know exist. I have had this model of kindness, dedication and love before me throughout my life. I remember my mom coming to visit me when I lived far away from them and her telling me she just had to get home because she missed Jim too much. I will never in my lifetime forget Jim…. Listening to love songs as she was going in and out of consciousness and down to the final hours of her life. I have watched such a beautiful exchange of love when my mother was healthy and a phenomenal exchange of devotion as she became sick. The kind of love that you can’t even express. I can remember Jim chastising her when she was just able to walk with a walker but had to be assisted. She was precocious, high-spirited and darling; if she wanted something she did it on her own and fell. He was so frustrated at her for taking that risk…. And took such beautiful care of her and managed all of her aid. He did things on a moment-by-moment basis that were so difficult for me. I admire him. He is incredible…. It was an enormous challenge; he had such love, determination and veracity to through to the very end. I love him for what he has done for her, her children and grandchildren….
Refinement & Opportunity Come Through Suffering
Finally I, have learned that refinement and opportunity come through suffering. Cory, my husband, and I were in Florence, Italy the summer of 2004. I was thrilled to see “the David” Sculpture by Michelangelo. A dream come true for me. We went through the museum and finally came to the chamber with “the David”. Prior to it, though, were men that Michelangelo had only partially sculpted from the marble and were called “The Prisoners”. They looked like real men struggling to get out of the marble. They, at that moment, represented to me my mother trapped in her physical body and not able to communicate, move or be who she really was. I also referenced it to my son Luke that has special needs and because of his disability isn’t quite able to become who he could be. We bought a small replica because I was so moved by this art. On the train then traveling from Florence to Venice, I was writing in my journal, tears welled up in my eyes and the thought suddenly struck me that Luke and my mom may be prisoners in a bodily form but what was debilitating them was actually what was refining them inside of their beings to become what God had intended them to be…. Just like the perfect David that Michelangelo had sculpted from a discarded and flawed piece of marble. I am also certain that by my mother and Luke having a disability has also refined me and has hopefully developed and carved me to be closer to what God intends of me.
Submit to God’s Will
So often it is difficult to submit to God’s will. My faith is what sustains and strengthens me. I know that God can do anything but I trust completely in his will and know that his plan is always a better plan for me. This quilt I made for my mom after her Lou Gehrig’s diagnosis. I wanted this quilt to be exactly all the colors that she loved. To make it extra special, I hand appliqued flowers in the center.
My mother accomplished what she needed to accomplish on this earth. She was a wonderful daughter, wife, mother, sister, aunt, grandmother and teacher. She raised a beautiful family in a Christ-like fashion respecting her children’s choices. She experienced intense lessons of mortality; of pleasure and pain, good health and illness. She had everything but her brilliant mind and beautiful spirit stripped from her. She remained with a beautiful mind and refined state of being. She was a vibrant, beautiful, happy, lively woman. Even though she had contracted a devastating illness she maintained her spirits, peace and faith. She is so admired by many, and, especially, by me.
I’m grateful my mother is part of me and I am part of my mother. Even after she has passed away, her strength and courage in life sustains me. Her example of how she took care of herself is an example to me as well. She took care of her family and she continues to take care of us from the legacy that she left within us. Not sure if I should but I could share more and you would know the hero that my mother truly is.
Be a Survivor & Share your Strength with Others
My mother was a survivor! She survived unbelievable things! I mean really unbelievable. I am also a survivor! I am very proud of being a survivor. She opened our home as a emergency place for battered women, to young pregnant mothers, to offcast family members, lonely people and people with hardly anything. I can’t tell you the number of people I watched be part of our home. I learned that I need to share my strength with others.
Part of what I learned from my mother is intertwined in the Live Well Live Strong Quilt. It was always in me, but I knew I need to take what I have learned from life and memorialize and share it with others! I knew I needed to share and strengthen other women out there not from just my mother’s experiences but from me and the woman she raised me to be. I KNOW she is REALLY proud of me and loves the Live Well Live Strong Quilt! I know I’m corny…. and it isn’t necessarily possible. But I feel her shining down on me, as I have raised my children and live my life the best way I possibly can.
Wishes sent to you…. That we will not only learn the lessons from my mother, Deanna, living so bravely, but apply those lessons that we learned so that hers and our suffering may not be in vain. May we also document what we have learned from others and learn in our own lives so that others may feel our strength!
I love you all so much! Maybe, just maybe, if we learn, share and apply those lessons we might be exempt from some kind of trial that may come our way or have the ability to lift another. How has your mother or another female role model influenced your life?
